|
 In a recent
edition of the Detroit Free Press, electronic entertainment company
and corporate tyrant Nintendo revealed its reason for endlessly
persecuting web sites which offer their readers NES and Super NES
ROMs. According to the Press, Nintendo feels that their old games
are "competing head-on with our current systems and software".
We couldn't believe it ourselves, so we asked Nintendo spokesperson
Ayama Motherfucker to clarify the company's position and somehow try
to explain how older titles like Metroid, Super Mario Bros., and
Pilotwings, which made Nintendo billions of dollars, could possibly
be making them lose money now. This is what he told
us:
"It's simple. The
Nintendo 64 is a joke. You know it, I know it, everyone knows
it. Its controllers are pathetic, all that blurry
anti-aliasing is enough to give Helen Keller a headache, and the
games themselves... whew! You could chop off half your fingers
and still count the number of N64 games worth purchasing on one
hand. We simply can't afford to have gamers play quality
titles from Nintendo's glory days when there's already so little
incentive to own a Nintendo 64. That's why we've done
everything possible to shut down web sites which offer their
visitors free games for our older systems. We're also
considering a forced recall of all available Super NES and NES
cartridges as well. Many of these games are being sold at pawn
shops for $10 or less, and we don't see a cent of that money.
Once we've destroyed all of these cartridges, anyone who wants to
play Nintendo games will have no other choice but to buy them for
the N64. And oh yeah, they'll need an Expansion Pack, too,
since all the new N64 titles won't work without one."
Motherfucker continued,
despite our best efforts to shut him up. "Some misinformed
people have called Nintendo greedy. They obviously have no idea how
expensive it is to run a company. It takes billions of dollars
to crush our competitors, brainwash children with thirty minute
advertisements thinly disguised as cartoons, and eliminate anyone
within the company who fails us. Arranging Gumpei Yokoi's
'automobile accident' didn't come cheap, you know... hitmen always
want their money up front, and poison that's undetectable with a
standard autopsy is incredibly expensive."
Motherfucker then revealed
Nintendo's plans for the future. "Soon, we'll be going after
web sites who make our competitors' games freely available to the
public. Those are cutting into our profits as well, you
know. We'd prefer to get rid of Sega and Sony entirely- we
bought nuclear weapons from the former Soviet Union with the
revenues from the last Pokemon movie, and we're dying to test them
out- but that's not an option right now. America has this
foolish notion about cutthroat monopolies interfering with peoples'
rights, so we have to abide by its blasted anti-trust laws until we
can pay enough congressmen to overturn them. We're confident
that the profits from the GameBoy Advance will give us more than
enough bribe money for all one hundred senators, 435 house
representatives, and the president of the United States... once that
happens, the world will be ours!"
The interview ended with
Motherfucker cackling madly as two impossibly large, perhaps
genetically altered, men escorted us out of Nintendo of America's
home offices. We hope to be invited back to ask Nintendo about
its plans to force America On-Line, now owned by Pokemon
co-producers Time-Warner, to upload crippling viruses to the
computers of anyone who acknowledges the existence of the Super
NES.
IMPORTANT! This is a work of
parody. None of the conspiracies presented on this page are
true... or can be proven, at least. Please don't tell your
friends that buying a Dreamcast will earn them a bullet from an
assassin disguised in a bushy moustache and blue
overalls. |
