GameTek/Softie

March 1991

Sports

1-2 Players

Straight out of Harlem, it's a mediocre basketball title with stiff character artwork and an overzealous referee who calls a foul when you sneeze on the opponents.  Worst of all, the only time you'll be able to see the Globetrotters pull off their smooth moves is in the opening, before you even get a chance to play!  Way to justify the license there, GameTek.

BPS/Paragraph

April 1992

Puzzle

1 Player

You'll consider committing hatricide after sitting through an hour of this miserable puzzle game, supposedly inspired by the legendary Tetris.  Hatris has no depth, no strategy, and no entertainment value... you just pile pairs of hats on the heads of Tetris creator Alexy Pazhitnov, hoping that you'll be spared further pain with a power outage or a heart attack.

Data East

March 1990

Shooter

1-2 Players

There's a secret toy surprise inside every Heavy Barrel cartridge... namely, the pieces of a devastating shoulder mounted beam cannon.  Put 'em together (adult assembly not required) and you've got a weapon that can rip through even the most menacing enemies in seconds!  That's the draw to this competant but otherwise ordinary military shooter, seen from an overhead view.

Parker Bros./Imagineering

June 1990

Sports

1 Player

It's winter sports at their most extreme!  And by "extreme", I mean extremely slow and frustrating.  In Heavy Shreddin', you guide a tiny snowboarding stick figure down a slope peppered with trees, rivers, and various other things you'll be crashing into frequently.  When you wipe out (and you will), the game mocks you with a grating sound effect.  Bogus!

Tradewest/Rare

July 1991

Pinball

1-4 Players (alt)

Inspired by its success with Pinbot, Rare created another game for the NES based on a popular Williams pinball table.  Unfortunately, High Speed isn't as fun or as impressive as the previous game, with a cluttered playfield that never keeps the ball in play for long and a highway racing theme that just isn't as exciting as Pinbot's futuristic setting.

Nintendo

October 1985

Light Gun

1 Player

Nintendo brings the tension of police training exercises to the NES with Hogan's Alley.  You'll pick off cardboard cutouts of unshaven goons and snarling mafia bosses, but don't get too trigger-happy... you'll be punished if you blast civilians or lantern-jawed cops.  The comical artwork is a treat, but the simplistic, repetitive gameplay is far less enticing.

GameTek/Rare

September 1989

Game Show

1-2 Players (alt)

Hollywood Squares on the NES features all the witty responses from the popular game show... but none of the famous celebrities.  If it's any consolation, the game still plays just like the show.  To win fabulous prizes, you've got to answer trivia questions to claim the squares on a giant tic-tac-toe board.  Don't let the personalities trick you into giving the wrong answers!

T*HQ/Bethesda

October 1991

Action

1 Player

The Wet Bandits have invaded your home, and the only way to survive is to lay painful traps in their path that will leave them slipping, falling, and hemmorhaging all the way to the hospital!  It's a great idea for a video game... just not a great video game.  The graphics are neither smooth nor attractive, and there are major control issues when climbing stairs.