| When people think "Gizmondo," the first thing
that comes to mind is not the advanced handheld game system
released in 2005 (and cancelled just a year later), but former
Gizmondo executive Stefan Erikson's mischief both on the
highway and off. Somehow, the antics of this lantern-jawed
former leader of the Swedish mafia have overshadowed the
peculiar portable that made it all possible.
(If you somehow missed the
whole fiasco, you can read about it in exhaustive detail over
at the Game Revolution web site... just click this
link)
Perhaps it's because slicing
an opulent sports car in half after a drunken ride down a
California freeway is a lot more exciting than yet another
handheld game system that didn't stand a chance against the
crushing one-two punch of the Nintendo DS and Playstation
Portable. Maybe it's because the system had only a few truly
compelling games, and nearly all of them were either cancelled
before they could reach store shelves or had embarassing names
like (gulp) Sticky Balls.
 Whatever's the case, a key part of the history of the
Gizmondo- ironically, the system itself- has been forgotten by
gamers. It's a shame, because the Gizmondo is a fairly
impressive piece of hardware. With its 400MHz processor and a
graphics accelerator built into the unit, it's at least as
powerful as the PSP, and has features like a camera and GPS
positioning that even Sony's high-class handheld doesn't
offer. Under different circumstances, the Gizmondo could have
been an industry leader, rather than an industry
joke.
But alas, that was not to
be. Thanks to its unsavory reputation, only a few people will
be brave enough to actually try the Gizmondo. However, those
who get their hands on one generally find that the console far
exceeds their expectations. What should you expect from
the Gizmondo experience? Read on, and you'll discover what
it's like to hold the system in your hands, interact with the
interface, and of course, play its small library of
games.
THE LOOK AND
FEEL
The Gizmondo has a rather
distinctive design, courtesy of famed Eurotech developer Rick
Dickinson. Dickinson also helped create the Spectrum ZX, a
home computer that took Britain by storm in the 1980's. At
first glance, the Gizmondo looks like a mutated Hostess fruit
pie... it starts out as an oval, sloping downward until
hitting a flattened bottom edge. The bottom of the unit houses
ports for an AC adapter, USB cables, headphones, and an SD
card or official Gizmondo cartridges. What's on the top? Two
circular silver knobs that act as the L and R
buttons.
The face of the Gizmondo has
a few of its own surprises. Buried above the modestly sized
but crystal clear screen are five interface buttons...
the tops of these long silver keys are nearly flush with the
unit, but the bottoms are raised slightly to make them easier
to press. Well, a little easier, anyway. Fortunately, the
action buttons on the right hand side of the Gizmondo are more
responsive. Each one is decorated with a symbol straight from
a VCR remote... there are keys for play, stop, fast forward
and reverse. The buttons perform those specific functions when
playing movies and music, but in games, play is generally used
to advance through menus, and stop backs out of them.
 Then
we have the D-pad. It's about the size and shape of a U.S.
quarter, with the cardinal edges raised and ridged to give the
player more grip. It accepts diagonal input more readily than
the PSP's seperated cross, but isn't raised enough to make it
as responsive as the directional pads built into the Game Boy
Micro or the DS Lite.
The feel of the D-pad might
not be up to snuff, but the case is a different story
entirely. The Gizmondo has a rubberized coating that resists
greasy stains and keeps the system from slipping out of your
hands. On top of all that, the rubber shell gives the system
its own distinct and rather comfortable feel that no other
handheld can reproduce.
Another unique feature is a
camera, set in the back of the unit. It's never going to
compete with dedicated digital cameras... the resolution is
limited to 640x480 (the same as most cell phones), and there's
no flash bulb to shed light on dark subjects. However, the LCD
display is much larger than the viewscreens in most digital
cameras, and the lens can be used to introduce augmented
reality to games, making them more exciting and
immersive.
LET'S GET IT
STARTED
Holding the tiny on
button near the top of the unit for two seconds powers up
the Gizmondo. Not only is this key hard to keep down, but the
amount of time it takes for the system to boot falls somewhere
between "interminable" and "intolerable." You'll wait nearly
forty seconds to reach the main menu, compared to the seven
second wait on the PSP and the four second pause on the
Nintendo DS. It's even worse if your battery is almost
out of juice... a huge "battery low" warning fills the screen,
and nothing short of a nuclear missile will remove
it.
 This
is where the old saying is put to the test... do good things
really come to those who wait? In this case, it's safe to say
"yes." The Gizmondo's main menu is a bit plain; a simple blue
and white affair with options listed on the left and a visual
representation of the currently selected option on the right.
It doesn't have the bells and whistles of the PSP's interface,
but it's more consistent and intuitive. The color scheme won't
change unless you specifically request it, and every option is
clearly visible and easily accessed at all times. Just press
up and down on the D-pad to make your selection, then play to
confirm your choice. It's that easy!
And what options are
available to Gizmondo owners? There are plenty of 'em. In
addition to the expected games, you can also choose to play
your favorite films and music. Just transfer them onto the
root of your SD card, pop it into the underside of your
system, and you're ready to rock. Or rap. Or cry a river of
tears over that copy of Steel Magnolias you never mentioned to
your friends. Hey, we're not judgemental here! The
user-friendly interface and conveniently labeled buttons make
it a breeze to enjoy your MP3s and WMAs on the go. Music
sounds great on the Gizmondo, but movies suffer from a
slightly chunky frame rate and a difficult to access full
screen option. You've got to tap the R button to bring up a
sub-menu, then select the appropriate option to take full
advantage of the Gizmondo's display.
The system also features all
the functionality of a cellular phone... without a microphone.
Wait, what? Nevertheless, you will need a cell phone service
contract to take advantage of the Gizmondo's messaging,
internet, and GPS features. If you're in a rural area or
smaller town, you won't have access to any of these handy
options, because the system only accepts certain carriers. If
you live in an urban area but don't want to sign up for cell
phone service, well, too bad! You'll still have to wade
through a registration screen every time you turn on the
Gizmondo. This of course means that you probably won't be
turning your system on all that often.
THE GAMES WE
PLAY
This is what you came for,
right? Well, all you'll need to do to begin is slip a Gizmondo
cartridge, or an SD card filled to capacity with cracked games
(bwa ha ha!), into the bottom of the handheld. Once the card
is inserted, you'll be send straight to a menu with a list of
titles. Select the game you want to play, then after a few
seconds of loading, you're ready to go.
Gizmondo games are generally
sandwiched between Nintendo DS and PSP software in overall
quality. While the console is actually a bit more
powerful than the PSP, with a 400MHz clock speed and an
Nvidia graphics accelerator, the Gizmondo software rarely
demonstrates this superiority. You kind of have to expect this
when all the money that was supposed to go to game development
went straight into Stefan Erikson's bulging
pockets.
 A
few titles demonstrate what the Gizmondo could have done in
the right hands. Sadly, many of them never reached store
shelves thanks to the system's short life. The nearly finished
prototype Colors is a perfect example, playing like a more
linear, mission-focused Grand Theft Auto and looking every bit
as good as its PSP counterpart. Another exciting but ill-fated
development was Catapult, a medievel stone-throwing contest
that used the Gizmondo camera and bi-colored placemats to
bring the action into the player's world.
Worthwhile Gizmondo titles
that actually did see a commercial release include
Sticky Balls (a fun, challenging puzzle game whose only major
flaw is its uninviting title) and Trailblazer, a Commodore 64
classic supercharged with high-tech polygonal visuals straight
out of the film Tron. You'll find Pocket Ping Pong and
Gizmondo Motorcross 2005 resting in the duds column. Pocket
Ping-Pong looks gorgeous, but this risque tennis sim gives the
player almost no control over the power and direction of their
swings. Gizmondo Motorcross 2005 is even worse, with a dirt
bike that's virtually impossible to steer.
The average Giz game falls
somewhere in the middle, particularly the sports titles which
hit the basket cleanly but never try to shoot from the three
point line. SSX 3 is probably the best of what's available in
this genre, but even that looks like a Playstation game with a
little added polish, and feels mushy in comparison to the
exceptional console versions.
LAST
WORD
The Gizmondo is a must for
collectors... after all, what other game system was the
product of a mafia scam, intended to con investors out of
their money? The novelty of a mob-made handheld and the
colorful history of the men who funded its design makes the
Giz irresistable to Pac-rats. However, if you expect your game
systems to earn their keep, you might want to consider a PSP
or a Tapwave instead. Cleaner interface aside, there's nothing
the Gizmondo can do that the PSP can't do better. On the other
side of the fence, the Tapwave (although just as dead
commercially) offers more functionality, a wider screen, and
stronger homebrew support.
To the Gizmondo's credit,
Sticky Balls, Trailblazer, and Colors are all fun,
surprisingly well-designed games. Unfortunately, they're not
engaging enough to make the Gizmondo a smart purchase...
especially when so many more great games are still
being developed for the Nintendo DS and PSP. If you're looking
for another exotic trophy to hang on your wall, the Gizmondo
is the perfect choice, but if you like to play your
game systems, you're better off leaving the system sleeping
with the Swedish fishes.
LIBRARY
Here now are short reviews
of the equally brief Gizmondo software library. Each game's
quality will be rated on a scale of one to five bullets, with
the amount of ammo illustrating the bang you'll get out of
each title. Any game that receives a lone bullet is a
guaranteed dud, while five bullets is the sign of a sure-fire
hit. Not every game in the list was released... these
prototypes will be marked with a "P." Finally, games that
aren't at least 85% complete will not receive
ratings. |
| AGAJU |
|
Augmented reality plays a central role in this first-person
adventure title, set in the jagged Mayan tombs of South
America. You'll explore these ruins with not only the D-pad
and action buttons, but the camera set into the back of the
Gizmondo. Tilt and turn the system, and your view of the
action changes accordingly! It's a pretty awkward control
scheme, not to mention embarassing... you can only imagine how
dumb you'll look spinning around in public, trying to get a
better view of your surroundings. Still, it's an innovative
use of the camera, and the game's packed with plenty of other
diversions, like Mayan memory and reversi played with stone
idols as game pieces. |
| CARMAGEDDON |
|
There's the right way to do a car combat game... and then
there's Carmageddon. Based on a lackluster Nintendo 64 release
(wait, weren't they all?) by the Sales Curve, Carmageddon does
admittedly improve upon the graphics of the original. Rather
than rough, pixelated cars, the death racers all have smoother
curves and a lustrous, almost translucent sheen. Everything
else, including the unbelievably crappy gameplay, is the same.
Rather than actually, you know, racing, you'll find yourself
getting rammed by opponents, thrown off the track by an
exaggerated physics engine, and lost inside each massive and
illogically designed stage. But hey, you can run over stiffly
animated pedestrians! That's wonderful, but I'd have a lot
more fun with a good game than a gory
one. |
|
 The title doesn't really tell
you anything about this one... for all we know, it could be a
rootin', tootin' shooter set in the old west. It would have
been a better name for GUN, that's for sure! Anyway, the
designers should have settled for the subtitle, Jenson
Button Street Racing. As this title suggests, JBSR is
an arcade-style racing game, looking a lot like Project Gotham
Racing but playing a bit more like Ridge Racer. Like in
Namco's game, there's a strong emphasis on drifting around
corners, so you'll be slip sliding your way through each
sharply rendered (if somewhat plain) track. Chicane is the
best driving simulation on the Gizmondo... a painful blow when
you consider that it never got within a mile of store
shelves.
|
|
Ancient board games aren't the first games that come to
mind when you spend three hundred dollars on a
state-of-the-art handheld. But hey, if you want classy
conversions of chess, backgammon, and checkers, the Gizmondo's
got you covered! The games all play well, with a competant
computer opponent that should provide a stimulating challenge
to most players. I know I've never been able to beat it! On
the down side, the boredom of these board games is magnified
by Classic Compendium's drab color palette. Even the Connect 4
knock-off uses faded yellow and slate blue pieces. You know
what that makes me? Pretty sleepy,
sis! |
|
I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so! Classic
Compendium 2 goes East for its selection of board games,
including everything from Chinese Checkers to Tai Pei,
commonly known to most players as Shanghai. This tile-matching
contest is the most accessible game in the collection, but
there are tutorials to help you through unfamiliar experiences
like Shogi (Japan's answer to chess). Like the previous
Classic Compendium, the visuals have a very aged, earthy look
to them, but the variety and unique selection of games gives
the collection the color that the graphics (and the last game
in the series) lack. |
|
 It's an unwritten law that
every modern game system must have a Grand Theft Auto game, or
at least something that could pass for one. Colors is the
Gizmondo's very own derivitive of the 21st century's first
major hit. However, as dark and violent as Colors is, it parts
ways with Grand Theft Auto in several key areas. If you feel
like playing in the sand, this isn't your game... although the
stages in Colors are connected by a subway system, their
maze-like design and nearly empty streets force you to
concentrate on each mission. You'll travel across the city,
delivering contraband to burned out drug addicts and
prostitutes to hardened criminals in need of a woman's touch.
Yes, you'll even get a chance to bang a few hos yourself,
using hilarious pick-up lines that could only work when
accompanied by a fistful of cash. Colors' outstanding
graphics, atmospheric sound, and entertaining (if somewhat
hollow) gameplay will ensure that you'll be happily surprised
with the game, even if it isn't quite what you
expected.
|
| CONFLICT: VIETNAM |
|
This is a squad-based shooter set in the dangerous jungles
of 1960's era Vietnam. By "shooter," I don't mean the usual
first-person kind. Rather, this is an overhead run 'n gun
action title; a bit like Commando or Ikari Warriors but
without the ferocious intensity. Or the keenly responsive,
user-friendly control. Or most of the fun. Whoops! Handling
all the members of your squad is a confusing chore, like
mopping the corners of a round room, and the limited
opposition coupled with the vast, yet suffocatingly linear
levels makes for a surprisingly boring journey into hostile
enemy territory. |
| FATHAMMER CLASSICS |
|
 Fathammer has a pretty loose definition of the
term "classics," if the games in this set are any indication.
What you get is exactly one lame shooter, one incredibly lame
racing title, and the one saving grace of this collection, a
puzzler that's not lame at all. Angelfish is the
aforementioned lame shooter, and the chance to catch the
pilots as they bail from downed enemy fighters is the game's
hook. Yeah, that's pretty much it. Angelfish is boring, but at
least it's not also ugly and confusing like Stuntcar Extreme.
Hey, Gizmondo! The 32X called. It wants its video game back!
Fortunately, the congeal-icious jelly-stacking action of Super
Collapse II... well, it doesn't redeem the whole package, but
then again, what could? Fathammer should have trimmed the fat
in this collection and released the meaty Super Collapse II on
its own.
NOTE: A free Windows version of Angelfish can be
downloaded by clicking the picture shown in this
review |
|
Are you ready for some football? Well, you're going to be
disappointed, because this is what we Americans call "soccer."
And it's a pretty good recreation of the sport, even if your
team members are small enough to be mistaken for specks of
dust clinging to the screen. The graphics are only good enough
to get the job done, but the gameplay seems reasonably
solid... if a bit sluggish. You're going to want to abuse the
turbo button as much as possible if you want to maintain
possession of the ball for more than a couple of seconds. Oh,
did I mention that this game is tough? Even at the Beginner
setting, Pele himself would have a devil of a time scoring
against England's worst
teams. |
|
 Contrary to popular misconception, Hit
and Myth isn't a role-playing game at all. Instead, it's an
omni-directional shooter with large, fully explorable stages.
It's exactly like the early Playstation title Loaded, with all
the tasteless gore and that hideous cast of characters
replaced by a tongue-in-cheek fantasy setting and a wagonload
of increasingly awful puns. When your hero, the unfortunate
lovechild of Dragon's Lair's Dirk the Daring and John Cleese,
is surrounded by enemies, he can cast spells to tilt the odds
in his favor. What he can't do is find a cure for the
monotony that eventually sets in after slaying thousands of
ridiculous and rarely ever threatening monsters. There's a big
pay-off at the end of each stage in the form of hilarious
conversations between Dirk Jr. and the villains he fights, but
you're probably better off just listening to the wave files on
your computer.
|
| HOCKEY RAGE 2005 |
|
What do you do when you can't afford to feature authentic
teams in your hockey game? Why, you make it XXXTREME, of
course! Hockey Rage is full of incomprehensible rap, tired
insults, and butt-ugly charicatures taken straight out of the
later Road Rash games. What it doesn't have, aside from
professional players and good taste, is satisfying action.
When the characters aren't packed together like sardines,
they're off the screen entirely, and fights over the puck are
reduced to bouts of desperate button-mashing, immediately
followed by one of the goalies holding the puck until a
penalty is called. The only time the game ISN'T constantly
being interrupted by the referee is when you're riding around
the rink on an ice-cleaning zamboni... but that's no fun
either! |
| INTERSTELLAR FLAMES 2 |
|
 Take StarFox. Now remove the
cast of animal characters. Next, take out the cinematic flair,
the exciting level design, and the brilliantly conceived boss
fights. Is there any charm left over? Yeah, better throw that
in the garbage too. What you have left is Interstellar Flames
2, or as I prefer to call it, Generic Futuristic 3D Shooter
No. 01379. The game is as dry as it gets despite the polished
graphics... enemies fly straight at you, never altering their
flight path in order to make things challenging for you, and
you shoot them. Repeat this mind-numbing pattern until you
reach the end of the stage, and most likely your patience.
You've been waiting a long, long time for a handheld version
of StarFox. After playing this, however, you'll decide that it
wouldn't hurt to wait just a little bit
longer.
|
| JUMP |
|
You might as well, right? This far from finished prototype
is the first ever video game adaptation of free-running, the
sport where hip young athletes use their feet and the world
around them to pull off amazing stunts. Jump had a long way to
go before it was completed, but you'll quickly understand what
the designers had in mind for this game. As a jagged
free-runner, you'll race up walls, climb over ledges, and get
stuck in digital limbo after you take a flying leap off the
side of a building
rooftop. |
| MOTORCROSS 2005 |
|
Crap, crap, motor-crap! Sure, the game looks fine from a
distance, but you too will discover the incomprehendible
horror of Motorcross 2005 when you try to guide your polygonal
dirt bike through a long stretch of pre-rendered track. The
trails are so thin and the control so touchy that it's a
miracle to even reach the finish line, much less do it before
the computer-controlled racers. Motorcross 2005 tops even
the legendarily lame Pocket Ping-Pong as the most
unplayable game on the Gizmondo... and there are no gigantic
breasts to cushion the blow of the terrible
gameplay. |
| POCKET PING-PONG |
|
 Ooh, speak of the well-endowed devil!
This is probably what most people had in mind when they heard
that Rockstar was making a table tennis game. The truth of the
matter is that Rockstar played it straight when designing
their game, while Gizmondo completely sleazed up- and screwed
up!- this one. All the stars in Pocket Ping-Pong are shapely
women in the most revealing of two-piece bikinis. They look
every bit as sexy as that description would suggest, but the
gameplay is coyote ugly. You can't even see your character
while the ball is in play, and it's impossible to aim your
return serves, resulting in a lot of random match outcomes.
Even the catchy Caribbean soundtrack can't make this
terrible-tennis game any more attractive. Forget the white
collar crimes and the car theft... games like this are reason
enough to send Stephan Erikson up the
river!
|
|
What a great game this could have been! Point of
Destruction is an old-school shooter, borrowing heavily from
the work of Jeff Minter. He's the eccentric Brit who developed
Tempest 2000 and Gridrunner, the blisteringly fast Centipede
clone that POD most closely resembles. Unfortunately for all
of us, he only inspired the game... he wasn't directly
involved in its design. You can see his influence in POD's
slick rendered graphics and its thumping techno soundtrack,
but the key ingredient of Minter's best work- the intensity-
just isn't here. After sitting through ten straight rounds
without so much as a single death (thanks in large part to
ineffectual enemies and an overabundance of game-breaking
power-ups), you'll start to wonder where the challenge went.
Wherever this point of destruction is, it's sure not where
you're standing! |
|
 Ah, there's nothing like the
sport of rally racing! The cheering crowds! The picturesque
country scenery! The massively frustrating steering! All
right, maybe that's not such a great part of the experience,
but it's accurately captured in Richard Burns Rally along with
all the more appealing stuff. You'll slip-slide your way
through each track, taking audio cues from a robotic backseat
driver and struggling to reach the next checkpoint before your
all-too limited time limit expires. With loads of detail in
both the background and the dirt roads you'll race across, the
game looks (to quote another famous Burns), "eeeeexcellent."
Be warned, though... just like that other Mr. Burns, Richard
will show you no mercy!
|
|
Arlo Guthrie's Signs has never been more annoying than when
halfwit techno artist Fatboy Slim takes a single lyric from
the song and repeats it over... and over... and over again
until you start bleeding from the ears. I've got a sign
for you, Fatty! No dogs allowed! Luckily, things can only go
up from here in Electronic Arts' famous downhill racing game.
The graphics have taken a hit from the console versions, but
there's still fun to be had racing down the icy slopes,
launching off ramps and performing rapid-fire chains of slick
tricks. All the music is here, too... and the majority of it
is a whole lot better than that butchered Guthrie
track. |
|
 All right, knock it off with
the chuckling. Forget about the more than vaguely sexual title
for just a second... Sticky Balls is the best damn puzzle game
you're going to find on the Gizmondo. Part of its appeal comes
from the game's originality... this ain't just another bland
block-dropping Tetris clone, no sir! You use a spring-loaded
rod (still haven't gotten it out of your system, have you?) to
fire brightly colored orbs at each other. Bouncing the balls
against the table walls doubles the score of your shot, but
beware! If you hit a ball of a different color, or nothing at
all, you'll lose a turn and possibly the entire game. Sticky
Balls' audiovisuals are bright and lively, and the gameplay is
mercilessly addictive, making it the ultimate guilty
pleasure.
|
| TOY
GOLF |
|
Here's a toy that will bring no joy to gamers and golfers
alike. Most golf games tend to be frustrating, but Toy Golf
goes above and beyond the call of duty with shots that are
damn near impossible to make. The power meter is equally
infuriating... either you'll barely tap the ball, or you'll
send it sailing over the playfield. Either way, your score for
every hole will come dangerously close to hitting double
digits. The setting is very clever... your ball is roughly the
size of a pea, and you'll knock it past cups, stacks of books,
and sinks with gaping wide drains (now that's a hole in one
you don't want!). The excellent graphics really sell
the miniaturized courses, but the gameplay just doesn't
measure up. |
|
 Finally, we have Trailblazer, a
next-generation conversion of a Commodore 64 favorite. You'll
send a living tire through a futuristic race course littered
with holes and orange traction strips. The trick here is to
dodge all the pitfalls in your path and slide past the finish
line in the fastest possible time. The graphics are
breathtaking, evoking fond memories of the film Tron with a
glowing blue track swallowed by a swirling tube of light. As
you might expect from the 31st century visuals, the soundtrack
is composed entirely of techno tunes that get repetitive
quickly but fit the setting perfectly. Like Gripshift on the
PSP, Trailblazer is an even blend of racing and puzzle action,
but never having to worry about the exact speed and angle of
your vehicle makes it a much more exciting, and far less
frustrating,
experience.
|
Special thanks to Gizmondo
Central and Gizmondo News
for supplying pictures of the system's
games |
|
GIZMONDO
| CPU |
Samsung
ARM9 |
| MHz |
400MHz |
| RAM |
64MB |
| Media |
SD cards |
| Sound |
onboard |
| Gfx |
GeForce 3D
4500 |
| Res |
320x240 |
| Color |
65,536 |
| Sprite |
unknown |
| Polys |
unknown |
Chicane
Colors
SSX
Sticky
Balls
Trailblazer
Carmageddon
Hockey
Rage 2005
Interstellar Flames 2
Motocross 2005
Pocket
Ping-Pong
| |